The Gift We’re Scared to Give: Letting Our Daughters Fail
Imagine this: your high-achieving daughter gets her first “C” in pre-calc. Your stomach drops, your brain starts spinning—should you call the teacher? Hire a tutor? Write a pep talk email?
But what if the most powerful response… is to do nothing?
That’s the message behind Jessica Lahey’s book The Gift of Failure, reviewed by educators Kathryn Grubbs and Nancy Hertzog. And yes—it’s a hard one to swallow.
Why Failure Feels So Scary
For parents of gifted and driven girls, failure isn’t just uncomfortable—it can feel like a crisis. Especially when your daughter is used to gold stars and top grades. But as Lahey argues, our instinct to protect can sometimes prevent growth.
“Letting kids experience failure gives them tools to face life’s challenges,” writes Lahey.
The idea isn’t to throw our girls into the deep end without a life vest. It’s about giving them the space to try, stumble, and recover—while knowing we’re here if they need us.
What the Research Review Highlights
The review focused on parents of teens in an early college program—students who were used to acing everything. Suddenly, they were struggling. The transition was tough… for parents, too.
Here’s what stood out:
Middle school is prime time for learning through mistakes. It’s when kids start pulling away and making (sometimes terrible) decisions. That’s normal.
Failure builds confidence—when it’s met with empathy, not rescue.
Parental control can undermine self-efficacy. Independence and choice help kids own their actions and solutions.
Cultural and personal context matters. Not every family has the same access to choices—or the same comfort with risk. Parenting decisions aren’t one-size-fits-all.
Real Talk for STEM Girl Parents
This message is especially crucial for girls in STEM. They’re already navigating pressure, perfectionism, and underrepresentation. If we treat every misstep like a red flag, we may be teaching them to fear failure instead of learn from it.
Here’s how we can reframe:
Normalize mistakes. Talk about your own flops—at work, at school, in life.
Hold back (just a little). Let her handle the missed assignment or the forgotten lab report. Step in only if the stakes are truly too high.
Celebrate recovery, not just results. A “C” that turns into a “B” after hard work? That’s a win.
One parent, after reading the book, left her unsent worry-email in drafts. Her daughter worked through her struggles—and ended up loving the challenge.
It’s Hard. It’s Worth It.
Letting go is tough. Watching our kids struggle is painful. But just like muscles grow by being challenged, so do confidence and resilience. When we give our girls the space to fail—and the faith to figure it out—we’re building strength they’ll carry for life.
Start the conversation at home tonight: Ask, “What’s something you learned from a mistake?”
Then share your own. You might just discover the power of failure, together.